My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
