Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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