I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize