omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
