I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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