Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
