I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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