you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
