woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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