I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
