sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
