hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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