i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
