Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
