Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I would fuck him just for his dog
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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