the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
