it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
