u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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