Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
