i was born a porn star she said
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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