ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
