Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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