What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?