So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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