I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
