just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
