i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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