Your mouth is God's brothel.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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