i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
