Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
