i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't turn off my feet"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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