i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You ruined the universe
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
