you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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