Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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