the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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