"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
