explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am available for nakedness
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
