if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
