It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
