Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
