No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think my moral compass just broke
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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