I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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