my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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