Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Randomize
