im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
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