Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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