can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Randomize
