New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im six kinds of drunk right now
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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