Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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