Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
