Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
