My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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