No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
should my penis look like a turkey
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
