so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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