What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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