Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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