4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
