Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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