i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
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Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
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There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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