I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
